Summertime Soul

The memories that have always stuck with me the most are all connected to summer. Our childhood wasn't perfect, but there was something about the hot sun that bleached away everything but what I loved most about the best time of year. We didn't worry about it going by too fast because we didn't really worry about anything. Our biggest concern was our popsicle melting or running out of Kool-Aid. Days were filled with playing, swimming, bike rides, sunshine. We explored the woods and brought home slimy "pets". The pond across the street was brown and murky but when the morning sun hit it, it shimmered and sparkled. We picked wild blueberries for our cereal in the morning and anxiously awaited dinner on the days we went to the farm for fresh corn. Days were longer back then. We had so much time. When the sun set we would play tag or hide-and-seek as late as our parents let us, or my favorite thing to do in summer darkness.

We collected fireflies.

We put them in a jar, covered it with waxed paper dotted with air holes and brought it into our room to place on the nightstand. We were exhausted and it was hot, despite the mini fan six inches from our beds. But we were also very excited. Because the next day we were going to the "big beach". The "real beach".

The ocean.

It seemed so, so far away and was always a really big deal to go. We went maybe two or three times a year. It doesn't feel so far anymore, but I still love it just as much. It still feels just as special every time. And I still feel just as small when I stand in the sand and stare out across the massive stretch of current to where the sky meets the water and the earth appears to end.

The sky is different in the summer. Even the clouds are nicer. Brighter, fluffier, whiter. I remember laying on my back just staring at the massive cottony formations. I still catch myself being struck by them at times, looking out a car window or just sitting outside with a book. At night, we would often lay a blanket in the grass. In my memory there were never clouds at night. Just a million stars that shined bright due to being in a town with very little light pollution. We would point out any constellations we knew and try to find satellites. Time stood still and it was just us and the never-ending ceiling of lights. I look forward to living under a sky like that again someday.

My saddest memory will always be that day one year ago. I'll never forget the loss I felt. How I felt pain in every cell of my body and yet completely numb at the same time. The guilt, the emptiness, the regret. The heaviness I felt inside and how dark it seemed to get. 

It was summer again, but the sun was dull and the ocean flat. I couldn't see the stars though the thick layer of grief that blanketed everything around me. 

And then one night the fireflies doubled, tripled. It looked like the trees were sparkling. It was like a message. Although I still dragged that heavy weight everywhere I went, I knew what I needed to do. And so I made a promise to him that I would make my life the best I could, live it for both of us. Treat people well, don't take anything for granted, and appreciate the little things. 

Like when we were kids, in the summertime.

What is a year anyway? It's just time. Some days it feels like longer. Some days it feels like yesterday. Time only helps so much, it never deletes things or makes promises that they won't hit you at random and hurt like hell. Because they will. What time does is smooth the edges a bit and help you see things in a softer, more positive light. Like the sunshine on the dirty pond. Like all those summer memories.

I'm even more thankful for those memories now, he's in all of them. He is them.

I saw a firefly for the first time this year last weekend, and it made me smile to know I will be seeing him a lot more now. Because he really is everywhere. He's the quick flash of a firefly, the stars on clear summer nights. He's the waves in the ocean, the slow movement of the clouds. 

He's the morning sunlight on all the world's imperfections.

Hello Again

Wow, it's been like 2 weeks since I have written anything. I think about it every day, and sometimes even open up a fresh page and stare at it for a few minutes, and then nothing. I'm pretty sure the overwhelming information I have been absorbing at work has cluttered my mind a bit. But today I will update on how things are going, even if it takes me all day of on and off writing.

I guess I should start with the biggest thing, and that would be that Nick and I are officially house hunting. We hired a realtor and last week we looked at 13 houses. Yes, THIRTEEN. I think we have four more lined up for this week. That is a lot of houses. Nick liked a few and I liked a couple but honestly none so far have been like, This is the one. This is where we will have friends over for dinner and have summer parties and start our family. Nope. I wish there was a Create Your Own! menu option at the end like when you go out to breakfast, so we could take all the features we love from each and make the perfect home. I still have confidence it is out there and we will find it, it just may take a little time.

In more positive news, I am loving the new job. I spent the last two weeks training in cheese, and though at first I was like a fish out of water flopping around on the back of a deer in headlights, I really started getting into it the last couple shifts! Like Saturday? When it was time to leave? I said, That went by too fast. WTF? Who says work went by too fast? I need to get a life. Just kidding, I couldn't be happier to not be counting down the minutes to leaving. It's genuinely fun and I enjoy the work and everything I am learning too. I really lucked out with the people on my team (soon to be hopefully team? I guess I'm technically still an outsider) as well, I swear they are the best in the store. I might be biased.

I have still been eating super clean, for the most part. I've had just a couple "oops"s over the last couple weeks, and have definitely injested far too much cheese (occupational hazard), and probably too much wine (but still not that much) but other than that I have been spot on. Still no dairy in my coffee, totally DONE with artificial sweeteners, hardly any meat (but some salmon), nothing processed, etc etc. Probably like 70% raw too at this point just due to the fact that I eat major salads almost daily. Lots of fresh fruits and veggies. Lots of fiber (averaging 30g/day). Lots of water. Almost no added sugars. I feel amazing. Best I can ever remember feeling.

And since the initial drop from the cleanse, I have lost ONE POUND. For the love of God.

Well have you been exercising?, you ask. Interesting question. Not in the traditional sense of the word. I haven't walked in weeks and I already forgot how to play the Pilates DVD. BUT. Being on my feet for 8 hours and moving around is kind of the same as walking? And picking up cheese wheels and giant bowls of olives is kind of like weight lifting? And pulling a wire through cheeses is pretty much the same as a rowing machine? So yeah, I guess you can say I go to the gym 3 times a week! Heh.

I got to see my friend Melissa and her adorable baby at Kiley's this weekend, because she was up from Florida. That made me happy. And last week Kiley had a lil snake friend in her house (aghh!), and then he left and then her cat "ran away" (aka hid somewhere outside for 2 days) and then her son turned 3 and then the cat came home! Which also made me happy. Exciting times over there. And she made it through all of that without going into labor. Way to be strong K!

This is a pretty sorry excuse for a post, but at least I wrote something. And it didn't take me all day. Now that I'm getting into a more natural groove with work I promise to start writing much more often again. After all, there are probably over 3 people that care.

CAN YOU EVEN